The story of a Pretentious Prophetess who was Obsessed with Kirk Cameron, Cartoon Network, and Self Importance

Woman Who Was Obsessed With Kirk Cameron, Cartoon Network, and Importance

Miller was a complicated woman. She believed she was a prophetess hearing the voice of God but she hated humanity. She attended the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints like any other offering tithing, time, and talents, yet it did not meet her needs for adoration. In truth, she was low on the totem pole of church politics as she couldn’t get a higher calling — which is code for volunteer position — than teaching women once-a-month lessons on how to properly baste chicken in Velveeta. She loved cooking food in low technology, yet she did not like sharing her secret techniques, such as how to handle meats like spam, hot dogs, and spent hens.

Miller the self proclaimed prophetess would often look in the mirror and say, “You are Kirk Cameron’s future wife! You are God’s eyes for the future! You are ready for the Last Days and proving your worth in God’s kingdom!” God listened.

God would tell her to write down their conversations and heed His divine word. He said, “Teach thine children in thine house for it is a glory unto me.” Since Miller was too lazy to teach, she defaulted to the best home school mentor available, which was the Cartoon Network.

This is the story of a Woman who was Obsessed with Kirk Cameron, Cartoon Network, and Importance.

Miller’s yard was overgrown with weeds. God said, “Get thee flowers and plant them for they are glory unto me.” Miller liked spending other people’s money, so she waited until nightfall to sneak onto Bee’s property, pull out Bee’s freshly planted flowers, and then plant them in her own yard. It was the perfect theft.

Miller liked sex, but not with her husband. It required showering, shaving, and kindness. God said, “Have sex with thine fellow church member who covets thee, known as Jeff. He will welcome thee into his wife’s pocketbook.”

Miller said, “Bee’s husband? Isn’t that against the rules?”

God said, “Hast thou forgotten the Israelites longing for cucumbers, onions, and garlic of Egypt? It is written. Thou dost need garlic sex.” God’s cruelty appealed to Miller and to Jeff.

When Miller became pregnant with Jeff’s child, Miller cried out to God, “Hey, I need more money.”

God said, “Dost thou not understand the concept of contraception?” Jeff stole money from Bee’s wallet and paid for Miller’s abortion.

Miller obsessed over Kirk Cameron movies, End of Days, and her specialness, causing her to ask God, “Will righteous Christians follow me out of Lemon Grove like Moses?”

God said, “I must break it to thee. Thou hast lost the job to thine next door neighbor.”

“That’s not possible! She’s Mexican,” said Miller.

“Thine Mexican neighbor hast more compassion than the tip of thine toe. Thou art selfish,” replied God. “Get thee hence. Thou hast failed all tests.”

Deborah Bravandt
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